A Winter Love Story

Everyone always talks about Summer Love, but I never hear people talking about Winter Love. So here is my Winter Love Story…

Two winters ago, I had recently parted ways with a man who I felt deeply connected to. He wanted to be in an open relationship and I desired a deeper, more focused commitment. Wanting so badly to be with him, I tried to honor his desire to be in an open relationship, but ultimately I couldn’t do it - it wasn’t what I wanted, and he was unwilling to compromise. For the first time in my life, I felt rejected by someone who I deeply loved. I was so, so sad that this relationship didn’t work out in the way I desired. 

Prior to this happening, I never thought I was a person who didn’t love myself. I felt like I had a lot of love for myself, but what I came to realize was that I had been relying on external sources to validate my love for myself. I needed others to love me in order to feel love for myself. So when this man didn’t love me in the way that I desired, I questioned myself - my lovability & my desirability. It made me think a lot about who I was, and about who I wanted to become. 

I began reflecting on my past relationships. I realized I had been compromising myself - showing up how I believed others wanted me to - in order to feel loved. I realized that for most of my adult life up until this point, I had always been involved with a man. I had had lots of committed relationships, and in between relationships, I had lovers. There had rarely been even a single day when there wasn’t a man in my life - someone who loved, admired and desired me. 

In all of my adult life, I had never given myself the opportunity to really be with myself, to learn who I truly was. I decided to make a commitment to be in an exclusive relationship with myself for four months, during the winter and early spring. I wouldn’t engage any kind of romantic relationship with anyone except myself, for an entire four months.

During those four months, I did deep inner work. I spent an hour each day engaged in sacred sexuality practices, self love practices, and meditation - deepening my connection to my sexuality, my heart and my mind. I became really curious about who I was, and how I wanted to live my life. I spent a lot of time doing things I loved, independent of others. I contemplated my purpose.

I also looked at the things I didn’t want to look at - the parts of myself that I felt ashamed of, the parts of myself that I feared others would judge. I let myself experience all of my emotions, even the ones that I had been taught didn’t look good, like anger and grief. I brought my darknesses to the surface.

It was the most healing winter. I came to love myself so deeply, so fully (even the dark parts), without need for any external validation. For the first time in my life, I LOVED being alone with myself, exploring my sexuality, spending my free time however I wanted to. I felt blissfully full of love, light and sexual aliveness.

I emerged in the spring with a grounded joyful confidence, more myself than ever before. I had promised that I would not engage in any kind of romantic relationship with anyone else until April 16th, my 30th birthday. And on my 30th birthday, like clockwork, the most flowing, aligned, soul connected love came into my life. I began a relationship with an incredibly evolved man who is on a similar life path, who supports me in being my most authentic self. And because of this work that I had done, I was ready for this relationship. If I hadn’t done this work, I would not have been ready for it. I would have stayed stuck in old patterns, looking for love, sexuality and purpose outside of myself.

This relationship has blossomed and flourished in the most beautiful ways. We share sacred sexual passion and a deep emotional connection. We are growing and learning so much from each other. Because we are so aligned, we spend very little time in conflict, and have abundant amounts of energy to live passionately and enjoy life.

This winter of love was the greatest gift I have ever given myself. I cherish my memories of that time spent with myself and even now that I am in relationship, I continue to spend time with myself almost every day to re-connect to the source of love within me. I know that doing so will bring even more love and connection to my relationship.